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Author Topic: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me  (Read 2908 times)

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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« on: January 09, 2010, 02:29:44 AM »
Hello all.

I'm currently working on a story entitled Perfect Blood. It's a work in progress so the site has "Project" on it. It's my first ever attempt in a serious story so please bear with anything I got wrong ><

Currently, it's hosted here: http://projectperfectblood.blogspot.com/
When I find a more suitable hosting site, I'll put it there but I won't delete the blog.

The story has some anime influence so those who never watched anime may find it a tad bit weird to read at times.

Basically I made this thread as an advertisement but of course, any comments can either go to the site or in this thread.

Hope to get some feedback!!

Edit: Oh, sorry if I posted this in the wrong place, couldn't think of the right place to post this.
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Offline caiooa

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2010, 04:16:40 AM »
 :slowpoke:
i will start to read it now  :fap: :fap: :fap:
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Offline caiooa

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2010, 05:47:01 AM »
man...it was really great. The way you used Stream of consciousness really resemble nasu style.
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Offline ShinMasaki

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2010, 08:56:11 AM »
As an author as well I'll leave my feedback.

An interesting start to a story. To me, there are still many unanswered questions concerning setting, time, place, and other such things. It's not a bad thing to have so many open questions at the start of a story, but fill those in sooner than later. "You have me" is much too 'intimate' a phrase for lack of a better word, in my opinion for characters that have had no introduction of yet to the reader much less to each other...especially considering that one has amnesia of events past.

Just my personal input as a writer as well. But continue with it and it should improve with time as well.
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Offline LoliSauce

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2010, 05:58:17 PM »
I haven't read it, but hearing amnesia used as a plot device makes me cringe. 
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2010, 07:15:04 PM »
Yay, feedback!! XD

@caiooa: Wow, seemed like I found myself a fan O.O And yes, I am trying to write like Nasu, my main inspiration here, so you saying that I resemble him oh so slightly makes so so happy!! XDDD

@Shin: Yes, I do intend to fill in the gaps. I have most of the answers in my head already and also more questions too ^^ And Amariya's usage of "You have me" as 'intimate' is sort of on purpose because she's supposed to be portrayed as a cheerful carefree character. Unless you have another point...

@Loli: I wonder what caused such trauma to you, but you have my word it's not as simple...
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Offline ShinMasaki

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2010, 11:19:14 PM »
@Shin: Yes, I do intend to fill in the gaps. I have most of the answers in my head already and also more questions too ^^ And Amariya's usage of "You have me" as 'intimate' is sort of on purpose because she's supposed to be portrayed as a cheerful carefree character. Unless you have another point...

Well, what I was saying is that a line like that and the response it attained from your characters...I would expect that to come from months of travel together where one character was trying to find his family from a lost memory only to find them dead at the end and at a loss for what to do in life...then his/her travel partner (of the opposite gender) would respond accordingly with a "well, you have me" line in which it would brighten the mood slightly and eventually EVENTUALLY, NOT IMMEDIATELY lead to a relationship pairing between the two.

To me, the "you have me" line in a wasteland type environment setting is a line reserved for mid-plot "easy mode" plot development that I have used a number of times in various stories I've written. In my opinion, it is not a story opener line, but depending on what you do with it, it may still work to my approval as a reader. Character back story plays a vital part of this though. Hit me up for writer advice if you need.
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2010, 11:21:54 PM »
^Will do, Shin-sensei! Hope I can call you that XD
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Offline grandlordzero

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2010, 01:53:02 AM »
*sees thread title*

 ???

*realizes he is on a melty blood site*

 :o


Oh god. The invasion has begun.

fanfic writers.

Don't you DARE write archerXlancer or i swear to god I'll-




*sees its not FF*

okay. you wont be shot. yet. 

reading. this better not be shitty. I left mirrormoon to avoid the shitty ff. -_-
« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 02:00:32 AM by grandlordzero »
Why do I even bother going to EVO anymore.... D8

Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2010, 02:27:01 AM »
Yeah, I'm trying to find a suitable story hosting site for this. Can't go to fanfiction.net cos that's for doujin. I don't think I can go to normal sites either since this story has an anime influence and is kinda weird to put it there. Any help?
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Offline grandlordzero

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2010, 02:28:21 AM »
writing advice:

1: For the narration, pick whether your telling the story in past tense or present tense and stick with it. flipflopping between them is just bad form. Period.



2: If you have the time to write authors notes on what the characters are like, just write it into the story. Readers shouldn't have to read authors notes to know whats going on. If your trying to emulate the shroom, he sometimes skips descriptions because there's usually pictures there. Not seeing any here. Adapt.



3: Unless your planning on wrapping this up quickly, your speeding your lil shouta relationship along a bit too quickly. Like shin said, ease up on the gas there.



4: Amnesia sucks. Test tube babies that wake up and slaughter everyone in the immediate area suck more. If that's the route your going for, don't make it so blaringly obvious. If not, ignore this.



5: "Under the night sky, the two of them made first contact."




Couldn't resist. sorry. XD



6: Lastly, work on your basic wordflow, and try to write out the environment details a bit more. Some parts look like something that were originally in JP VN, and then translated to pure English text. If that's actually the case, then fine. I doubt it is though, so ADAPT.   :blah:


Other then that, go nuts. Writings fun, don't get discouraged when people point out flaws. There just a guideline for how to improve faster.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 02:31:11 AM by grandlordzero »
Why do I even bother going to EVO anymore.... D8

Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2010, 02:51:32 AM »
To be honest, I rushed the first two chapters a bit. I was pretty much telling myself to finish them quick so I can get some publicity early and continue on. And when I rush, I tend to forget to add in minor details that make the atmosphere more complete. Always face the same thing when writing essays during exams ><

I will take every bit of criticism to heart and see how I can improve. And I myself am not a fan of obvious stuff because it's too simple so you can trust that there are other turns.

LOL E.T
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Offline ShinMasaki

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2010, 09:30:44 AM »
*sees thread title*

*realizes he is on a melty blood site*

Oh god. The invasion has begun.


fanfic writers

Don't you DARE write archerXlancer or i swear to god I'll-




*sees its not FF*

okay. you wont be shot. yet. 

reading. this better not be shitty. I left mirrormoon to avoid the shitty ff. -_-


Can do. I prefer writing angsty everything dies type of stories, but I'm sure I could do something to accommodate your request.
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Offline MasterT

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2010, 10:36:08 AM »
Berserker X Everyone.

Whoever can survive his "Noble Phantasm" gets to marry him.

Offline grandlordzero

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2010, 03:52:40 PM »
 :emo:
Why do I even bother going to EVO anymore.... D8

Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2010, 05:42:49 AM »
I made a v1.1 of #1 and #2 where I changed the tenses to past tense and changed the "You have me" to "But I'm here now, aren't I?". Any better?
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2010, 10:50:14 PM »
« Last Edit: January 17, 2010, 01:31:39 AM by BurstOfAnger »
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Offline grandlordzero

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2010, 01:18:49 AM »
#3 ENTER has been released.

http://http://projectperfectblood.blogspot.com/2010/01/3-enter.html

borken link is borken.

Anyway, using the link at the top of the page since i was too lazy at the time to press keyboard keys and remove the extra http://.
Accessed the site and read the redone 1+2 and 3.

Muchos better. I could get on your case about grammar/spelling/punctuation, but i don't feel like being a nazi.

Out of curiosity, what word-processor are you using? Most have a decent spell-check that also checks for common grammatical errors. That'l save you alot of grief from negative feedback.
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2010, 01:31:05 AM »
I'm using OpenOffice. It's quite decent, but I don't remember any word processor actually helping me in grammatical errors...

Now how the hell did that extra http:// get there...
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #19 on: January 26, 2010, 01:04:14 AM »
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2010, 04:38:42 AM »
I didn't realize fanfiction.net hosted non-doujin stuff, so I got an account and uploaded the story there. For those of you who care.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5710086/1/Perfect_Blood
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Offline BurstOfAnger

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Re: Perfect Blood - A story work in progress by me
« Reply #21 on: February 23, 2010, 04:20:33 AM »
Well, I'm sure nobody gives a shit by now since I haven't updated in a loooooong while. Mostly due to distractions (ie Assassin's Creed and Chinese New Year). Still, I wrote a new chapter for anyone who cares. However few.

http://projectperfectblood.blogspot.com/2010/02/5-mar.html

It has a fight scene! Beware of bad writing...
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