writing advice:
1: For the narration, pick whether your telling the story in past tense or present tense and stick with it. flipflopping between them is just bad form. Period.
2: If you have the time to write authors notes on what the characters are like, just write it into the story. Readers shouldn't have to read authors notes to know whats going on. If your trying to emulate the shroom, he sometimes skips descriptions because there's usually pictures there. Not seeing any here. Adapt.
3: Unless your planning on wrapping this up quickly, your speeding your lil shouta relationship along a bit too quickly. Like shin said, ease up on the gas there.
4: Amnesia sucks. Test tube babies that wake up and slaughter everyone in the immediate area suck more. If that's the route your going for, don't make it so blaringly obvious. If not, ignore this.
5: "Under the night sky, the two of them made first contact."
Couldn't resist. sorry. XD
6: Lastly, work on your basic wordflow, and try to write out the environment details a bit more. Some parts look like something that were originally in JP VN, and then translated to pure English text. If that's actually the case, then fine. I doubt it is though, so ADAPT.
Other then that, go nuts. Writings fun, don't get discouraged when people point out flaws. There just a guideline for how to improve faster.